Blog

To Thine Own Self Be True and Other Crap

For those of you who actually have a life, you probably don’t realize today is “Talk like Shakespeare Day.” Unless you recently moved here from Mars, you probably know who Shakespeare is. He’s the guy who talks really weird. You know, stuff like ‘Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?’ What the heck?! Any normal woman wouldn’t say something that inane to her man. Instead she’d yell, ‘get your butt down here Romeo and put a ring on this finger or else!’

If that quote wasn’t nonsensical enough, then Shakespeare rattled on about, ‘And now is the winter of our discontent.’ I can tell you from first hand experience no Minnesotan would ever talk about winter like that. And no one knows winter like we do. We normal Minnesota people talk about winter like this, ‘Lena it’s so cold outside that my lefse has goosebumps.’

In Hamlet somebody said, ‘The lady doth protest too much, methinks.’ Well, in response I’d like to say, ‘methinks you’re an idiot!’ Not only methinks you’re an idiot but ‘wethinks you’re an idiot!’

And then there’s his ridiculous quote from Hamlet about the rose. ‘What’s in a name? A rose by any name would smell as sweet.’ Methinks if a rose was called by the name skunk weed it would stink!

I think I’ve found my new favorite word–methinks. Methinks I need a beer. Methinks pizza is good. Methinks my golf game needs help. Methinks I was robbed and deserved an ‘A’ in 9th grade English class! Methinks Shakespeare skipped English composition class!

And let’s not forget his quote from The Merry Wives of Windsor, ‘I cannot tell what the dickens his name is.’ Methinks I can help you out on this one buddy. It’s Charles!! (Mehopes you all figured that joke out because methinks you had great expectations!) Actually, at this point methinks your expectations are actually quite low.

While Shakespeare isn’t here to say it himself, methinks he doth hope your lefse doesn’t have goosebumps!

Joan of ARK.

I’ve been looking for a long time for a town in the United States named Joan and I finally found one! Joan Arkansas. What a great name for a town.

On my recent trip to Arkansas I visited Joan. The town is a bit small. But I did see one car and two churches. Not sure why those few residents need two churches. Where would anyone even get in trouble in a town that small? There wasn’t even anyplace to buy beer! Well, no town is perfect! At least the lack of traffic made taking a picture while standing in the road very safe.

Doing research on the town I discovered that it was originally named Bethlehem. Then in 1958 a paved road was put in connecting the town with Arkadelphia. After the road was completed and for some unknown reason, the Arkansas Department of Transportation erected signs in the community informing visitors they were entering the town of Joan. In with Joan, out with Bethlehem! No one in the town had any idea why the name was changed but I’m quite certain there was no opposition or criticism.

In case you missed what I just said, let me repeat that–signs were erected at both ends of town that changed the name of the town from Bethlehem to Joan without approval from anyone! That renegade employee (probably named Joan) deserved a huge raise and a statue!!

This has given me a brilliant idea. Next summer when they repave the main street in Crosby, I need to find a Department of Transportation employee (preferably one named Joan) who will sneakily replace the Crosby signs with new and improved signs named Joan! Joan Minnesota. It has a wonderful ring to it! People would flock to town to see the new signs.

I’m certain hardly anyone will object to the name change other than the mayor, city council, all 2,400 residents and anyone who has ever lived here. So, I guess what I’m saying is I think renaming Crosby Minnesota to Joan Minnesota has a chance!

Take This Song and Trash It!

Today the radio station listed some of the funniest country-western song titles ever written. It’s almost like the writers were drinking heavily when they came up with these titles. Nah, they wouldn’t do that. Here are a few from the top 100:

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling (this should have won a Grammy!)

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger (Count your blessings and quit whining!)

Luckily, through my connections as the former self-appointed editor of the highly esteemed and award winning RAG–a newsletter crammed full of half truths and embellishments (we were fake news before news was fake)–I was able to obtain several song titles that ended up in the trash pile. My ace reporter delivered these funny titles to me just moments ago after she paid her bail. They take trash can theft seriously in Nashville! In this exclusive you will find only in my blog post (fortunately my standards are way lower than everyone else) here are the titles you were denied the pleasure of hearing.

Whenever You Call Me Baby, I Want To Spit Up All Over You

Your Thighs Turn Me Off But Your Barbecued Ribs Turn Me On (also known as I Want To Get Sauced With You.)

You’re Like My Christmas Lights, You Only Work Half The Time

I Can’t Beer The Thought Of Losing You Miller (also know as I Got The Foam, You Got The Beer)

These are clearly all potential chart toppers. Blake Shelton call me and we’ll talk! By the way, do you know how to change oil?